Well, weeks have passes since I last wrote . I spent the better part of 2 weeks coordinating and visiting with my son, who is just a year in the army, and his wife, who is due with their first child (my first granddaughter) in a few months. He came back "home" on his first leave, and we were able to spend enough time that it felt like things were the normal I knew before his enlistment.
It was a week of roller coaster emotions, as anyone can imagine. Our routine's were shook up, but 99% of the time, this was exuberantly happy. My son is my only child, and having been a single mom for 9 years means we have a very tight, very special, and very unique bond. And, because I come from a family that typically stays within a "safe range" when it comes to venturing out into life, his enlistment and being so far out of state permanently has been a rough thing to adjust to. What makes it easier is seeing how happy he is with his choice, despite it's challenges and pride, knowing he has committed his life to serving this country. A lot of things can come from that statement; the army is now is first priority to everything else, including his family, his mom, etc., he has chosen to go where they send him when they say to go, to be apart from what he has always known as a normal life, accepting any danger he may be put in, and the ripple effect it has on everyone that loves him in so many ways. It's a true sacrifice. Even before you hit the battlefield. Which is a subject this mom will not ponder until, or if, it ever become necessary. His ominous decision has taught me many lessons, the biggest, to live life to the fullest, now, doing what you feel is true in your heart.
In the past couple months, my animals have had ups and downs. Oliver has more moments that cause us to worry, gasp, cringe, and I am waiting on a call from my vet for the price of at home euthanasia. I have done much research in assessing quality of life for the four legged's here. His is clearly past 50/50, and, I do not see him as the type of dog who's downhill is in a manner where he deteriorates to a lot of nothing. His aging process is clearly progressing with anxiety and restlessness. Perhaps due to pain, or discomfort, or simple confusion. We'll never know the real why. But, we see it progressing.
His tramadol is almost up to the max amount he can have daily. He \sleeps a bit more, except after dinner, when he is now more antsy. He paces, mostly to the kitchen and back. He "wants" to go out more, but now, it's to eat dirt, or whatever he can find popping up around the melting ice and snow. He has thrown up this dirt in the early am's. He has moments where he "finds" me, and stands quietly with me, sometimes enjoying when I get down to love on him, but, sadly, sometimes,not.
If only his demise were with less animation, perhaps it would be clearer, but, I doubt it. Less activity could be confused with comfort, I suppose. His increased confusion and restlessness only makes me know that the day is around the corner, and the first step is getting the price and details worked out.
My horse, Tango, has also had ups and downs. I flew my cousin, a prominent barefoot trimmer, into town to assess and possible help tweak his feet to offer more comfort. Although his hip fracture is the ultimate culprit for his discomfort, his feet play a huge part in his overall ability to move comfortably, and they were clearly giving him some problems. She flew out one evening, spent most of the following day addressing another local client, and in between that and her flying out, we took care of the inbalances in his feet.
They were most likely caused by his way of going, but, now, his way of going have caused them to grow in a less than supportive manner. Having done hours of training myself years back, I understand the process pretty well, so she has coached me on his needs, and I've been doing my best weekly to keep his feet as "right" as I can for him. He does move better on them, but, it is his hip that is causing the most problems. This is apparent by the hock sore that keeps opening up and growing, then healing a bit, then opening up again, etc.; a spiral that will not end with his need for extra support getting up and down.
His eyes show a difference in his spirit. It is still there, but it wanes. Now I spend time with him, grooming, walking when he can and footing allows, and just hanging out. It does not seem anywhere near fair to ask him to get through another winter. The deep snow, slippery ice, mud causing slippery footing, all of it makes it challenging for him to get around. We could plow and plow and get sand to cover ice, but frankly, we don't have the means, and really, is this what we would do all of next winter for him? Will he be comfortable going months with this type of management? I do not want to part with the horse. I cannot imagine my life without him. But I can't watch him struggle, or to see his eyes go from confident to......not..........and not do something to help alleviate his situation. That day, I hope and pray, will not come until we have seen a warm, grassy spring, summer and fall. I am hopeful and pray he will enjoy these final warmer seasons here with us and we fill up our souls before we say goodbye.
It appears we will be bringing a younger horse home this spring/summer. I have the opportunity to take on a seven year old mare who's personality sounds a bit like Tango's and who is, basically, riderless. My thoughts that having a younger, level headed horse here may take pressure off him to be the alpha still. If it is the "right" match, he will fall in love with her, and she him, and she will be his second in command, until he sees fit to give it over completely. In my heart, I feel this will be the first step in him leaving in his heart, and allowing himself to give into what he has been fighting to take him down.
And as for Oliver, once the call comes from the vet, we will evaluate the soil and grounds. It was not my choice to part with him on a dreary, winter day. A selfish thing probalby. I wanted a sunny day, to sit out in the grassy yard, let him enjoy some warmth and sunshine before he goes. But, I don't think, at this stage, he even knows the difference. The winter has kicked his, and all of our, asses this year. He obviously hates the snow and the ice and the slippery walkways we made for him. His world is mostly dark and silent, and the winter caused all the comfort he could feel beneath him to be covered over. Although I wanted to see that comfort in him once more, I'm not sure we ever will, even if it is a spring day. So, a conversation with the vet, a second look around our yard, and conferring with the calendar are what is next when it comes to our little Oliver.
I suppose the passing of time and having to deal with so much discomfort, on their parts, physically, and mine, emotionally, are making this all more rote than emotional. At times, at least. This year is going to be filled with goodbyes, and hellos. It does cause me to have many "What's it all about, Alfy" moments. Life and death. Its coming to all of us, two and four legged. Where doe we go? What really happens? What does it mean for our time on earth? If we had the answers, then life wouldn't be what it is. But, oh, how I'd love the answers on days like today.
Off to hug, lead, feed, clean and love my kids for another day.
It was a week of roller coaster emotions, as anyone can imagine. Our routine's were shook up, but 99% of the time, this was exuberantly happy. My son is my only child, and having been a single mom for 9 years means we have a very tight, very special, and very unique bond. And, because I come from a family that typically stays within a "safe range" when it comes to venturing out into life, his enlistment and being so far out of state permanently has been a rough thing to adjust to. What makes it easier is seeing how happy he is with his choice, despite it's challenges and pride, knowing he has committed his life to serving this country. A lot of things can come from that statement; the army is now is first priority to everything else, including his family, his mom, etc., he has chosen to go where they send him when they say to go, to be apart from what he has always known as a normal life, accepting any danger he may be put in, and the ripple effect it has on everyone that loves him in so many ways. It's a true sacrifice. Even before you hit the battlefield. Which is a subject this mom will not ponder until, or if, it ever become necessary. His ominous decision has taught me many lessons, the biggest, to live life to the fullest, now, doing what you feel is true in your heart.
In the past couple months, my animals have had ups and downs. Oliver has more moments that cause us to worry, gasp, cringe, and I am waiting on a call from my vet for the price of at home euthanasia. I have done much research in assessing quality of life for the four legged's here. His is clearly past 50/50, and, I do not see him as the type of dog who's downhill is in a manner where he deteriorates to a lot of nothing. His aging process is clearly progressing with anxiety and restlessness. Perhaps due to pain, or discomfort, or simple confusion. We'll never know the real why. But, we see it progressing.
His tramadol is almost up to the max amount he can have daily. He \sleeps a bit more, except after dinner, when he is now more antsy. He paces, mostly to the kitchen and back. He "wants" to go out more, but now, it's to eat dirt, or whatever he can find popping up around the melting ice and snow. He has thrown up this dirt in the early am's. He has moments where he "finds" me, and stands quietly with me, sometimes enjoying when I get down to love on him, but, sadly, sometimes,not.
If only his demise were with less animation, perhaps it would be clearer, but, I doubt it. Less activity could be confused with comfort, I suppose. His increased confusion and restlessness only makes me know that the day is around the corner, and the first step is getting the price and details worked out.
My horse, Tango, has also had ups and downs. I flew my cousin, a prominent barefoot trimmer, into town to assess and possible help tweak his feet to offer more comfort. Although his hip fracture is the ultimate culprit for his discomfort, his feet play a huge part in his overall ability to move comfortably, and they were clearly giving him some problems. She flew out one evening, spent most of the following day addressing another local client, and in between that and her flying out, we took care of the inbalances in his feet.
They were most likely caused by his way of going, but, now, his way of going have caused them to grow in a less than supportive manner. Having done hours of training myself years back, I understand the process pretty well, so she has coached me on his needs, and I've been doing my best weekly to keep his feet as "right" as I can for him. He does move better on them, but, it is his hip that is causing the most problems. This is apparent by the hock sore that keeps opening up and growing, then healing a bit, then opening up again, etc.; a spiral that will not end with his need for extra support getting up and down.
His eyes show a difference in his spirit. It is still there, but it wanes. Now I spend time with him, grooming, walking when he can and footing allows, and just hanging out. It does not seem anywhere near fair to ask him to get through another winter. The deep snow, slippery ice, mud causing slippery footing, all of it makes it challenging for him to get around. We could plow and plow and get sand to cover ice, but frankly, we don't have the means, and really, is this what we would do all of next winter for him? Will he be comfortable going months with this type of management? I do not want to part with the horse. I cannot imagine my life without him. But I can't watch him struggle, or to see his eyes go from confident to......not..........and not do something to help alleviate his situation. That day, I hope and pray, will not come until we have seen a warm, grassy spring, summer and fall. I am hopeful and pray he will enjoy these final warmer seasons here with us and we fill up our souls before we say goodbye.
It appears we will be bringing a younger horse home this spring/summer. I have the opportunity to take on a seven year old mare who's personality sounds a bit like Tango's and who is, basically, riderless. My thoughts that having a younger, level headed horse here may take pressure off him to be the alpha still. If it is the "right" match, he will fall in love with her, and she him, and she will be his second in command, until he sees fit to give it over completely. In my heart, I feel this will be the first step in him leaving in his heart, and allowing himself to give into what he has been fighting to take him down.
And as for Oliver, once the call comes from the vet, we will evaluate the soil and grounds. It was not my choice to part with him on a dreary, winter day. A selfish thing probalby. I wanted a sunny day, to sit out in the grassy yard, let him enjoy some warmth and sunshine before he goes. But, I don't think, at this stage, he even knows the difference. The winter has kicked his, and all of our, asses this year. He obviously hates the snow and the ice and the slippery walkways we made for him. His world is mostly dark and silent, and the winter caused all the comfort he could feel beneath him to be covered over. Although I wanted to see that comfort in him once more, I'm not sure we ever will, even if it is a spring day. So, a conversation with the vet, a second look around our yard, and conferring with the calendar are what is next when it comes to our little Oliver.
I suppose the passing of time and having to deal with so much discomfort, on their parts, physically, and mine, emotionally, are making this all more rote than emotional. At times, at least. This year is going to be filled with goodbyes, and hellos. It does cause me to have many "What's it all about, Alfy" moments. Life and death. Its coming to all of us, two and four legged. Where doe we go? What really happens? What does it mean for our time on earth? If we had the answers, then life wouldn't be what it is. But, oh, how I'd love the answers on days like today.
Off to hug, lead, feed, clean and love my kids for another day.
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