This may be one of the hardest post I've yet to comprise. Through all the ups and downs the past few years, all my trials, the one rock I've turned to and only consistent remedy for relief is when I turn to our Lord. It is important I write about my journey and the walk I find myself on. Any growth I've had I owe to the love of the One that created me. But, I'll admit, it is not an easy thing for me to write about, or even explain verbally. While I realize this is a walk I am on, I stumble so much that I am often embarrassed to call myself a Christian. But, I know what His word says. So I persevere. I go to Him with my confessions, and I accept His forgiveness and love. This is my attempt at giving Him the glory for all that I am, have, and will become.
I grew up in a Catholic household. As a child, we went to church every Sunday, said a prayer before meals and attended all the appropriate landmarks along the Catholic way. I was christened, had first communion and confirmed. I remember looking through the pictures in the big family bible we had as a kid, and one of my older sisters always had a creative and cool way to explain its stories. This was when Jesus Christ Superstar was popular with her generation. I was active in the CYO, but, only because I loved music and liked organizing the dance parties. I was married in the Catholic church the first time around, took the pre-cana classes and everything. And I had my own child christened, but, admittedly, and regrettably, dropped the ball after my divorce when he was just 1 years old.
As he began to grow, I bought childrens bibles and such, and read them to him, doing my best to explain who God and Jesus were. We went church hopping, but, he hated the classes he would go to, and preferred to stay during church service. I remember one particular Sunday, at the time when you give peace, he got up and was shaking hands with everyone. It was so sweet and poignant.
We tried Protestant, Lutheran, and Baptist churches. Nothing really stuck. Mostly because I was bored, and too caught up in my own life to see beyond my own self.
One particular event, however, dramatically effected me, and began my calling back to the Lord.
After being divorced for years, raising my son alone, and a very intense relationship ending, I was finding myself feeling alone, distraught, and at a crossroad I didn't understand. I knew a change was needed in my life, but, I literally did not know where to turn. After a tumultuous weekend, I awoke one Sunday, desperate, guilty,and lost. I got down on my knees begging God to let me know I was not alone. I just wanted to know if he heard me, or acknowledged me at all.
I took a ride to one of my favorite hiking areas nearby, where I frequented alone, with friends and with my son. It was a significant place for me to go be with nature, recollect and reconnect. It was a lovely fall day, and I took in the crisp air as I started on the familiar trail.
I walked along, noticing changes the seasons have on different views. I reached the boardwalk which crossed over and through a lovely lake with bogs, teeming with wild birds and noises in the tall grass. I glanced at the spot where I would often lounge and catch some sun, thatI, one day, felt as though I was being watched, only to open my eyes to see a huge herring on the post of the rail staring down at me. As the boardwalk ended and I entered a thicker wooded area, I passed the small paths that led to the woods edge off the main trail. One of them seemed to call to me, but I strolled by the entrance. I few steps past, however, I was pulled back to this opening. I could see the woods only a few hundred feet down the path, so I knew it would go nowhere. Still, I was prompted to keep walking.
As I did, I saw a large tree down just before the path ended. I got close to the tree, and saw what appeared to be a carving on it. When I could make it out, I could not believe my eyes. I was dumbstruck. There were my initials, carved into the tree. My initials. JC. And also those of our Savior. Yep, God heard me that morning. He let me know by leading me down a path which appeared to lead nowhere, yet, led me to acknowledgement. Call it coincidence. Call it what you want. I asked God to let me know I was not alone. And I took a hike that day in the same sanctuary I always walked in, went down a path I never had taken, but had always passed by, only to find my own initials looking back at me.
I took my son there the next weekend. We took pictures. That experience has always stuck with me, popping up when I need to remember in moments of doubt. God hears me.
I still wasn't frequenting church and God was more of a hotline I'd check into when I was feeling desperate. I had a handful of other "coincidences" in my life that I am sure were God moments, but, I still was not on "the" path. Then 9/11 happened.
I was devastated along with the rest of the world. Full of questions. Why? How? How could? It was a time of deep introspection. For us all.
I reached out to my cousin who also grew up with the Catholic background as I did, but, but who had become a born again Christian. I'll admit, that term made me cringe. The visuals it prompted and the labels given to this group all made me cautious. But, I had to admit, I admired her commitment to her faith, and the strength she seemed to have with regards to it. The knowing. I wanted some of that. So, on the stairs to my second floor, as she and I talked about the horrific events, my eyes were opened to a God that did not "cause" everything we saw in the world, and that "man" has free will, and often, that free will cause them to do wrong. Sin is everywhere there is skin. I spoke the words she said, accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior, and hung up with still as many questions in my head.
I'd like to say my life took a drastic turn from that point on, but, it didn't. I was basically still the same. But, God had other plans. I had let Jesus become my Lord, and the Holy Spirit was at work, whether I knew it or not.
Two years later, I had bought my first horse. Rescued, really. But with a price. This was a dream come true for me. There were many rocky stops along the road of my new marriage and family, career changes and life challenges. I found a horse trainer I sought out to get help with some bumps I was having retraining my horse. She, too, was a born again Christian. But, she seemed like a "normal" person to me. In the midst of the horse training, I was, inadvertently, getting training on being a Christian. She introduced me to Joyce Myers "Battlefield of the Mind" book, and I ate it up. From that point, I began reading every Christian book I could get my hands on, mostly by Joyce M. It was like my eyes were being finally opened to the truths that I had always wondered about.
I began reading my bible. This was something I had attempted off and on in my life, always with discouragement that usually ending in total confusion. I never "got" what it was saying. But, now, suddenly, it was like the words literally came alive and God was talking directly to ME. Passages would jump out that had direct correlation to what was going on in my life. It was an exciting time. I was growing in the Lord, taking major strides in my walk with Him.
Then, in 2006, my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This was the man that was my rock all my life. My hero. One of my best friends. My confidant, my greatest teacher, my protector and the one person who could ALWAYS make me feel valuable and relevant. The news was devastating.
Months passed, and his condition worsened to where it was no longer safe for my 85 year old mom to be his primary caretaker. She was tiny, he was not. And he was beginning to get aggressive. After much family discussion, it was agreed my Dad needed to be admitted to a nursing home. On a Tuesday morning, my brother and I loaded him into the car, not to take him to the day care he had reluctantly been attending, but, to take him to the VA Hospital where he would be evaluated for admission to a local home. Never had I had such a day in my life. I was taking my Dad to put him away. To say it sucked doesn't scratch the surface.
In the admission office, there were lots of documents to review and fill out, and at one point, I ran to the car to get water for us as it was going to be a long day. As I trotted to the car, the reality of what was happening hit me, and the flood gates opened. I started to shake. What was I doing? How could this be happening? My mind started to spiral out of control, when, out of who knows where, these words began to play in my head..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Huh? I had NEVER memorized any scripture. I knew the Our Father and Hail Mary, but that was about it. But, over and over, this repeated the entire time at the VA in my head. Out of nowhere.
Well, turns out, this was a scripture that was posted as part of my horse trainer's web page. Apparently, although I never consciously memorized it, it was recorded in my head, and the Holy Spirit made sure I heard it that fateful day.
I managed the day with unexpected calm and tenacity. To this day, I can say, it is purely because of Jesus and His Holy Spirit that I was able to function through the experience. And through all the experiences to come with my Dad's illness to the day he died.
This started a lifelong passion for learning and growing in the Word and deepening my commitment to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I still stumble, and sometimes fall flat on my face even as I see myself taking a misstep. I am far from where I want to be, but I'm not where I was, and I am on my way to some place better every day.
I read many, many books on Christianity, and a myriad of subjects. Max Lucado is one of my favorite authors. I attended a local church for a few years, and had many aha moments in the pews where it was like God came down and looked right at me, speaking to me through our pastors sermons. I watch many preachers on tv, the internet, and have found a wonderful Christian radio station that I listen to all the time. I am just now starting to discover wonderful praise music, and people tell me I have an inner peace they have never seen before. It is so cool when someone asks what it is I am doing that makes me so level, and I am able to share with them that it is God's work, not mine.
The Lord still continues to work in ways I will never understand but are so thankful for. And, even when there are times when things seem to go unfairly, or unjustly, or hit me blindside, it is a quick process for me to find peace simply by knowing all things work to and for the good of those that believe in and love Him for His purposes. I hope and pray my walk with the Lord brings me closer to knowing him on a deeper personal level and that I find more peace, contentment, blessings, fruit, love and purpose in the plan He has for me. It is my one truth desire to simply know the Lord better, and walk the path he Has laid for me.
I grew up in a Catholic household. As a child, we went to church every Sunday, said a prayer before meals and attended all the appropriate landmarks along the Catholic way. I was christened, had first communion and confirmed. I remember looking through the pictures in the big family bible we had as a kid, and one of my older sisters always had a creative and cool way to explain its stories. This was when Jesus Christ Superstar was popular with her generation. I was active in the CYO, but, only because I loved music and liked organizing the dance parties. I was married in the Catholic church the first time around, took the pre-cana classes and everything. And I had my own child christened, but, admittedly, and regrettably, dropped the ball after my divorce when he was just 1 years old.
As he began to grow, I bought childrens bibles and such, and read them to him, doing my best to explain who God and Jesus were. We went church hopping, but, he hated the classes he would go to, and preferred to stay during church service. I remember one particular Sunday, at the time when you give peace, he got up and was shaking hands with everyone. It was so sweet and poignant.
We tried Protestant, Lutheran, and Baptist churches. Nothing really stuck. Mostly because I was bored, and too caught up in my own life to see beyond my own self.
One particular event, however, dramatically effected me, and began my calling back to the Lord.
After being divorced for years, raising my son alone, and a very intense relationship ending, I was finding myself feeling alone, distraught, and at a crossroad I didn't understand. I knew a change was needed in my life, but, I literally did not know where to turn. After a tumultuous weekend, I awoke one Sunday, desperate, guilty,and lost. I got down on my knees begging God to let me know I was not alone. I just wanted to know if he heard me, or acknowledged me at all.
I took a ride to one of my favorite hiking areas nearby, where I frequented alone, with friends and with my son. It was a significant place for me to go be with nature, recollect and reconnect. It was a lovely fall day, and I took in the crisp air as I started on the familiar trail.
I walked along, noticing changes the seasons have on different views. I reached the boardwalk which crossed over and through a lovely lake with bogs, teeming with wild birds and noises in the tall grass. I glanced at the spot where I would often lounge and catch some sun, thatI, one day, felt as though I was being watched, only to open my eyes to see a huge herring on the post of the rail staring down at me. As the boardwalk ended and I entered a thicker wooded area, I passed the small paths that led to the woods edge off the main trail. One of them seemed to call to me, but I strolled by the entrance. I few steps past, however, I was pulled back to this opening. I could see the woods only a few hundred feet down the path, so I knew it would go nowhere. Still, I was prompted to keep walking.
As I did, I saw a large tree down just before the path ended. I got close to the tree, and saw what appeared to be a carving on it. When I could make it out, I could not believe my eyes. I was dumbstruck. There were my initials, carved into the tree. My initials. JC. And also those of our Savior. Yep, God heard me that morning. He let me know by leading me down a path which appeared to lead nowhere, yet, led me to acknowledgement. Call it coincidence. Call it what you want. I asked God to let me know I was not alone. And I took a hike that day in the same sanctuary I always walked in, went down a path I never had taken, but had always passed by, only to find my own initials looking back at me.
I took my son there the next weekend. We took pictures. That experience has always stuck with me, popping up when I need to remember in moments of doubt. God hears me.
I still wasn't frequenting church and God was more of a hotline I'd check into when I was feeling desperate. I had a handful of other "coincidences" in my life that I am sure were God moments, but, I still was not on "the" path. Then 9/11 happened.
I was devastated along with the rest of the world. Full of questions. Why? How? How could? It was a time of deep introspection. For us all.
I reached out to my cousin who also grew up with the Catholic background as I did, but, but who had become a born again Christian. I'll admit, that term made me cringe. The visuals it prompted and the labels given to this group all made me cautious. But, I had to admit, I admired her commitment to her faith, and the strength she seemed to have with regards to it. The knowing. I wanted some of that. So, on the stairs to my second floor, as she and I talked about the horrific events, my eyes were opened to a God that did not "cause" everything we saw in the world, and that "man" has free will, and often, that free will cause them to do wrong. Sin is everywhere there is skin. I spoke the words she said, accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior, and hung up with still as many questions in my head.
I'd like to say my life took a drastic turn from that point on, but, it didn't. I was basically still the same. But, God had other plans. I had let Jesus become my Lord, and the Holy Spirit was at work, whether I knew it or not.
Two years later, I had bought my first horse. Rescued, really. But with a price. This was a dream come true for me. There were many rocky stops along the road of my new marriage and family, career changes and life challenges. I found a horse trainer I sought out to get help with some bumps I was having retraining my horse. She, too, was a born again Christian. But, she seemed like a "normal" person to me. In the midst of the horse training, I was, inadvertently, getting training on being a Christian. She introduced me to Joyce Myers "Battlefield of the Mind" book, and I ate it up. From that point, I began reading every Christian book I could get my hands on, mostly by Joyce M. It was like my eyes were being finally opened to the truths that I had always wondered about.
I began reading my bible. This was something I had attempted off and on in my life, always with discouragement that usually ending in total confusion. I never "got" what it was saying. But, now, suddenly, it was like the words literally came alive and God was talking directly to ME. Passages would jump out that had direct correlation to what was going on in my life. It was an exciting time. I was growing in the Lord, taking major strides in my walk with Him.
Then, in 2006, my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This was the man that was my rock all my life. My hero. One of my best friends. My confidant, my greatest teacher, my protector and the one person who could ALWAYS make me feel valuable and relevant. The news was devastating.
Months passed, and his condition worsened to where it was no longer safe for my 85 year old mom to be his primary caretaker. She was tiny, he was not. And he was beginning to get aggressive. After much family discussion, it was agreed my Dad needed to be admitted to a nursing home. On a Tuesday morning, my brother and I loaded him into the car, not to take him to the day care he had reluctantly been attending, but, to take him to the VA Hospital where he would be evaluated for admission to a local home. Never had I had such a day in my life. I was taking my Dad to put him away. To say it sucked doesn't scratch the surface.
In the admission office, there were lots of documents to review and fill out, and at one point, I ran to the car to get water for us as it was going to be a long day. As I trotted to the car, the reality of what was happening hit me, and the flood gates opened. I started to shake. What was I doing? How could this be happening? My mind started to spiral out of control, when, out of who knows where, these words began to play in my head..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Huh? I had NEVER memorized any scripture. I knew the Our Father and Hail Mary, but that was about it. But, over and over, this repeated the entire time at the VA in my head. Out of nowhere.
Well, turns out, this was a scripture that was posted as part of my horse trainer's web page. Apparently, although I never consciously memorized it, it was recorded in my head, and the Holy Spirit made sure I heard it that fateful day.
I managed the day with unexpected calm and tenacity. To this day, I can say, it is purely because of Jesus and His Holy Spirit that I was able to function through the experience. And through all the experiences to come with my Dad's illness to the day he died.
This started a lifelong passion for learning and growing in the Word and deepening my commitment to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I still stumble, and sometimes fall flat on my face even as I see myself taking a misstep. I am far from where I want to be, but I'm not where I was, and I am on my way to some place better every day.
I read many, many books on Christianity, and a myriad of subjects. Max Lucado is one of my favorite authors. I attended a local church for a few years, and had many aha moments in the pews where it was like God came down and looked right at me, speaking to me through our pastors sermons. I watch many preachers on tv, the internet, and have found a wonderful Christian radio station that I listen to all the time. I am just now starting to discover wonderful praise music, and people tell me I have an inner peace they have never seen before. It is so cool when someone asks what it is I am doing that makes me so level, and I am able to share with them that it is God's work, not mine.
The Lord still continues to work in ways I will never understand but are so thankful for. And, even when there are times when things seem to go unfairly, or unjustly, or hit me blindside, it is a quick process for me to find peace simply by knowing all things work to and for the good of those that believe in and love Him for His purposes. I hope and pray my walk with the Lord brings me closer to knowing him on a deeper personal level and that I find more peace, contentment, blessings, fruit, love and purpose in the plan He has for me. It is my one truth desire to simply know the Lord better, and walk the path he Has laid for me.
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