Spring's promises around the corner

The mounds of snow are finally melting at a good clip, the sun feels warm, and the air is not so frigid. Spring is finally around the corner.

So will come mud, racing water in streams, and the tiniest of buds you will miss if you don't really look for them. Things that were dead and dormant slowly awaken. There is a promise of new life, and a farewell to that which has been.

Oliver's blindness has gotten worse. He rarely seems to see much. He ends up in rooms he doesn't mean to, wanders into corners, and needs a great deal of help navigating. I carry him almost all the time up and down stairs. He "looks" for them, but, waits, obviously looking for guiding hands to make it less stressful. I happily oblige.

Casey has had setbacks this winter, and his twilight is also upon us. Trips to the vet, problems with his heart and stomach have rendered him showing his age. More calculating meds to make him comfortable, and wondering how long that is a reasonable request of him.

As sad as it all is, knowing they are losing quality of life continually makes you want to see them at peace. And with that peace and parting, there is hope. To be honest, the alleviation of the stress,worry and concern is like a promise awaiting me. I will miss them tremendously, but, I will rest knowing they are at peace. And I will enjoy the peace that will come with the elimination of constant care and concern. Bittersweet.

Five years at our small farm, with all the hard work and money we invest regularly, I have begun to feel burnt out. Not having a horse to ride to balance work with play has taken its toll, and I have been aching for time in the saddle. I started taking lessons, and find myself with anxieties I never would have expected. This is very, very humbling. It's also humiliating and depressing.

Where does one turn for help with such a dilemma? It's crippling. A major vein of my identity has been stripped. And I want it back! But, how? Believe it or not, it is hard to come by fellow horse folk who truly understand and are supportive. It never ceases to amaze me how many horse people "know" what the answer is, that haven't even met my horses or seen me interact with them. Unfortunately, the power that comes from the ability to manage such a large animal often produces an imbalanced pride, making some people feel they are superior and knowledgeable in all things, regardless. Just recently, a conversation with a horse person I'd just met had my mouth slung open, again. They "knew" what the problem was with me, my mare, and what needed to be done, and could foresee the outcome and future for us if we'd just follow their advice. Sadly, I know too well, when the rug gets pulled out from under them in the way it was me, only then will they understand the degree of forced submission you go through when there is no easy answer, and all you  have are questions.

However, just being around other horse lovers forced me to shift my priorities, and work both my horses the next day. I did liberty work with Katy in the round pen, and she was very good. She teaches me to work on subtle cues and to really pay attention to where my energy is focused. As I watched her go, it was clear to me that her suspensory ligaments are not strong. Some might say to keep working her to build them up. At 20 years old, I prefer to take the conservative route, and work her slowly to be sure it's possible to work them back to strength. Somehow, with her history, I don't feel this will happen, and am ok with her having to be a mostly retired horse. She's a good girl who has given a lot, and deserves a happy life.

When we were done, I put Tango in the ring. My fractured hip boy!! What was I, crazy? He used to be a pistol in the ring, bucking it up and racing around. Putting him in the round pen could possible cause him to act up, and hurt himself. One time, while we were working on trot transitions, he was being a particular handful. At one point, he just stopped, looked straight at me, turned, and crashed right through the wooden fence of the round pen. Down the main street. Running back to the barn. Which is why I now have a metal one!

But this day, he was watching intently as I worked Katy from the paddock. He is always immediate to come and greet me whenever I see him. I can tell he wants to interact. But, his injuries have him so limited, that it is hard to work with him in a small, circular area. However, he obviously wanted to play, so, I obliged.

I brought him in, walked him around, did a couple easy commands with him, for which he was perfect, so, I took the lead off his halter. In the past, he would've possibly taken off. Which is bad. But, I would correct him as he bucked and ran, until he was done playing and ready to work. Then he would always lock in. I wasn't sure this day what he would do.

He stood right by me, head held high, but in tune with me. I walked forward, he walked forward, stopping right with my footfall. I backed, he backed. So, I sent him out on the circle.

He was perfect. He walked at the speeds I asked, stopped when I asked, backed and turned like a pro. I could see in his eyes he wanted to blow out, but, he can't do it physically anymore. So, we walked at different paces, stopped and turned, and had a great time together. What I would give to be able to climb on his back.

Back to the barn for a traditional round of carrot stretches, and I turned him back into the paddock, a little teary eyed. Suddenly his demise didn't seem so imminent. Perhaps, I could plow his area in the winter? Perhaps, we could start doing round pen work again. Perhaps, we could come up with some new tricks. And, perhaps, he would be the greatest teacher to others who need a confidence boost and personal reality check. Perhaps, there are more promises awaiting me than I realize.

Ah, spring. Bring it on.

Testimony to my Savior

This may be one of the hardest post I've yet to comprise. Through all the ups and downs the past few years, all my trials, the one rock I've turned to and only consistent remedy for relief is when I turn to our Lord. It is important I write about my journey and the walk I find myself on. Any growth I've had I owe to the love of the One that created me. But, I'll admit, it is not an easy thing for me to write about, or even explain verbally.  While I realize this is a walk I am on, I stumble so much that I am often embarrassed to call myself a Christian. But, I know what His word says. So I persevere. I go to Him with my confessions, and I accept His forgiveness and love. This is my attempt at giving Him the glory for all that I am, have, and will become.

I grew up in a Catholic household. As a child, we went to church every Sunday, said a prayer before meals and attended all the appropriate landmarks along the Catholic way. I was christened, had first communion and confirmed. I remember looking through the pictures in the big family bible we had as a kid, and one of my older sisters always had a creative and cool way to explain its stories. This was when Jesus Christ Superstar was popular with her generation. I was active in the CYO, but, only because I loved music and liked organizing the dance parties. I was married in the Catholic church the first time around, took the pre-cana classes and everything. And I had my own child christened, but, admittedly, and regrettably, dropped the ball after my divorce when he was just 1 years old.

As he began to grow, I bought childrens bibles and such, and read them to him, doing my best to explain who God and Jesus were. We went church hopping, but, he hated the classes he would go to, and preferred to stay during church service. I remember one particular Sunday, at the time when you give peace, he got up and was shaking hands with everyone. It was so sweet and poignant.

We tried Protestant, Lutheran, and Baptist churches. Nothing really stuck. Mostly because I was bored, and too caught up in my own life to see beyond my own self.

One particular event, however, dramatically effected me, and began my calling back to the Lord.

After being divorced for years, raising my son alone, and a very intense relationship ending, I was finding myself feeling alone, distraught, and at a crossroad I didn't understand. I knew a change was needed in my life, but, I literally did not know where to turn. After a tumultuous weekend, I awoke one Sunday, desperate, guilty,and lost. I got down on my knees begging God to let me know I was not alone. I just wanted to know if he heard me, or acknowledged me at all.

I took a ride to one of my favorite hiking areas nearby, where I frequented alone, with friends and with my son. It was a significant place for me to go be with nature, recollect and reconnect. It was a lovely fall day, and I took in the crisp air as I started on the familiar trail.

I walked along, noticing changes the seasons have on different views. I reached the boardwalk which crossed over and through a lovely lake with bogs, teeming with wild birds and noises in the tall grass. I glanced at the spot where I would often lounge and catch some sun, thatI, one day, felt as though I was being watched, only to open my eyes to see a huge herring on the post of the rail staring down at me. As the boardwalk ended and I entered a thicker wooded area, I passed the small paths that led to the woods edge off the main trail. One of them seemed to call to me, but I strolled by the entrance. I few steps past, however, I was pulled back to this opening. I could see the woods only a few hundred feet down the path, so I knew it would go nowhere. Still, I was prompted to keep walking.

As I did, I saw a large tree down just before the path ended. I got close to the tree, and saw what appeared to be a carving on it. When I could make it out, I could not believe my eyes. I was dumbstruck. There were my initials, carved into the tree. My initials. JC. And also those of our Savior. Yep, God heard me that morning. He let me know by leading me down a path which appeared to lead nowhere, yet, led me to acknowledgement. Call it coincidence. Call it what you want. I asked God to let me know I was not alone. And I took a hike that day in the same sanctuary I always walked in, went down a path I never had taken, but had always passed by, only to find my own initials looking back at me.

I took my son there the next weekend. We took pictures. That experience has always stuck with me, popping up when I need to remember in moments of doubt. God hears me.

 I still wasn't frequenting church and God was more of a hotline I'd check into when I was feeling desperate. I had a handful of other "coincidences" in my life that I am sure were God moments, but, I still was not on "the" path. Then 9/11 happened.

I was devastated along with the rest of the world. Full of questions. Why? How? How could? It was a time of deep introspection. For us all.

I reached out to my cousin who also grew up with the Catholic background as I did, but, but who had become a born again Christian. I'll admit, that term made me cringe. The visuals it prompted and the labels  given to this group all made me cautious. But, I had to admit, I admired her commitment to her faith, and the strength she seemed to have with regards to it. The knowing. I wanted some of that. So, on the stairs to my second floor, as she and I talked about the horrific events, my eyes were opened to a God that did not "cause" everything we saw in the world, and that "man" has free will, and often, that free will cause them to do wrong. Sin is everywhere there is skin. I spoke the words she said, accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior, and hung up with still as many questions in my head.

I'd like to say my life took a drastic turn from that point on, but, it didn't. I was basically still the same. But, God had other plans. I had let Jesus become my Lord, and the Holy Spirit was at work, whether I knew it or not.

Two years later, I had bought my first horse. Rescued, really. But with a price. This was a dream come true for me. There were many rocky stops along the road of my new marriage and family, career changes and life challenges. I found a horse trainer I sought out to get help with some bumps I was having retraining my horse. She, too, was a born again Christian. But, she seemed like a "normal" person to me. In the midst of the horse training, I was, inadvertently, getting training on being a Christian. She introduced me to Joyce Myers "Battlefield of the Mind" book, and I ate it up. From that point, I began reading every Christian book I could get my hands on, mostly by Joyce M. It was like my eyes were being finally opened to the truths that I had always wondered about.

I began reading my bible. This was something I had attempted off and on in my life, always with discouragement that usually ending in total confusion. I never "got" what it was saying. But, now, suddenly, it was like the words literally came alive and God was talking directly to ME. Passages would jump out that had direct correlation to what was going on in my life. It was an exciting time. I was growing in the Lord, taking major strides in my walk with Him.

Then, in 2006, my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This was the man that was my rock all my life. My hero. One of my best friends. My confidant, my greatest teacher, my protector and the one person who could ALWAYS make me feel valuable and relevant. The news was devastating.

Months passed, and his condition worsened to where it was no longer safe for my 85 year old mom to be his primary caretaker. She was tiny, he was not. And he was beginning to get aggressive. After much family discussion, it was agreed my Dad needed to be admitted to a nursing home. On a Tuesday morning, my brother and I loaded him into the car, not to take him to the day care he had reluctantly been attending, but, to take him to the VA Hospital where he would be evaluated for admission to a local home. Never had I had such a day in my life. I was taking my Dad to put him away. To say it sucked doesn't scratch the surface.

In the admission office, there were lots of documents to review and fill out, and at one point, I ran to the car to get water for us as it was going to be a long day. As I trotted to the car, the reality of what was happening hit me, and the flood gates opened. I started to shake. What was I doing? How could this be happening? My mind started to spiral out of control, when, out of who knows where, these words began to play in my head..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Huh? I had NEVER memorized any scripture. I knew the Our Father and Hail Mary, but that was about it. But, over and over, this repeated the entire time at the VA in my head. Out of nowhere.

Well, turns out, this was a scripture that was posted as part of my horse trainer's web page. Apparently, although I never consciously memorized it, it was recorded in my head, and the Holy Spirit made sure I heard it that fateful day.

I managed the day with unexpected calm and tenacity. To this day, I can say, it is purely because of Jesus and His Holy Spirit that I was able to function through the experience. And through all the experiences to come with my Dad's illness to the day he died.

This started a lifelong passion for learning and growing in the Word and deepening my commitment to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I still stumble, and sometimes fall flat on my face even as I see myself taking a misstep. I am far from where I want to be, but I'm not where I was, and I am on my way to some place better every day.

I read many, many books on Christianity, and a myriad of subjects. Max Lucado is one of my favorite authors. I attended a local church for a few years, and had many aha moments in the pews where it was like God came down and looked right at me, speaking to me through our pastors sermons. I watch many preachers on tv, the internet, and have found a wonderful Christian radio station that I listen to all the time. I am just now starting to discover wonderful praise music, and people tell me I have an inner peace they have never seen before. It is so cool when someone asks what it is I am doing that makes me so level, and I am able to share with them that it is God's work, not mine.

The Lord still continues to work in ways I will never understand but are so thankful for. And, even when there are times when things seem to go unfairly, or unjustly, or hit me blindside, it is a quick process for me to find peace simply by knowing all things work to and for the good of those that believe in and love Him for His purposes. I hope and pray my walk with the Lord brings me closer to knowing him on a deeper personal level and that I find more peace, contentment, blessings, fruit, love and purpose in the plan He has for me. It is my one truth desire to simply know the Lord better, and walk the path he Has laid for me.

Well, weeks have passes since I last wrote . I spent the better part of 2 weeks coordinating and visiting with my son, who is just a year in the army, and his wife, who is due with their first child (my first granddaughter) in a few months. He came back "home" on his first leave, and we were able to spend enough time that it felt like things were the normal I knew before his enlistment.

It was a week of roller coaster emotions, as anyone can imagine. Our routine's were shook up, but 99% of the time, this was exuberantly happy. My son is my only child, and having been a single mom for 9 years means we have a very tight, very special, and very unique bond. And, because I come from a family that typically stays within a "safe range" when it comes to venturing out into life, his enlistment and being so far out of state permanently has been a rough thing to adjust to. What makes it easier is seeing how happy he is with his choice, despite it's challenges and pride, knowing he has committed his life to serving this country. A lot of things can come from that statement; the army is now is first priority to everything else, including his family, his mom, etc., he has chosen to go where they send him when they say to go, to be apart from what he has always known as a normal life, accepting any danger he may be put in, and the ripple effect it has on everyone that loves him in so many ways. It's a true sacrifice. Even before you hit the battlefield. Which is a subject this mom will not ponder until, or if, it ever become necessary. His ominous decision has taught me many lessons, the biggest, to live life to the fullest, now, doing what you feel is true in your heart.

In the past couple months, my animals have had ups and downs. Oliver has more moments that cause us to worry, gasp, cringe, and I am waiting on a call from my vet for the price of at home euthanasia. I have done much research in assessing quality of life for the four legged's here. His is clearly past 50/50, and, I do not see him as the type of dog who's downhill is in a manner where he deteriorates to a lot of nothing. His aging process is clearly progressing with anxiety and restlessness. Perhaps due to pain, or discomfort, or simple confusion. We'll never know the real why. But, we see it progressing.

His tramadol is almost up to the max amount he can have daily. He \sleeps a bit more, except after dinner, when he is now more antsy. He paces, mostly to the kitchen and back. He "wants" to go out more, but now, it's to eat dirt, or whatever he can find popping up around the melting ice and snow. He has thrown up this dirt in the early am's. He has moments where he "finds" me, and stands quietly with me, sometimes enjoying when I get down to love on him, but, sadly, sometimes,not.

If only his demise were with less animation, perhaps it would be clearer, but, I doubt it. Less activity could be confused with comfort, I suppose. His increased confusion and restlessness only makes me know that the day is around the corner, and the first step is getting the price and details worked out.

My horse, Tango, has also had ups and downs. I flew my cousin, a prominent barefoot trimmer, into town to assess and possible help tweak his feet to offer more comfort. Although his hip fracture is the ultimate culprit for his discomfort, his feet play a huge part in his overall ability to  move comfortably, and they were clearly giving him some problems. She flew out one evening, spent most of the following day addressing another local client, and in between that and her flying out, we took care of the inbalances in his feet.

They were most likely caused by his way of going, but, now, his way of going have caused them to grow in a less than supportive manner. Having done hours of training myself years back, I understand the process pretty well, so she has coached me on his needs, and I've been doing my best weekly to keep his feet as "right" as I can for him. He does move better on them, but, it is his hip that is causing the most problems. This is apparent by the hock sore that keeps opening up and growing, then healing a bit, then opening up again, etc.; a spiral that will not end with his need for extra support getting up and down.

His eyes show a difference in his spirit. It is still there, but it wanes. Now I spend time with him, grooming, walking when he can and footing allows, and just hanging out. It does not seem anywhere near fair to ask him to get through another winter. The deep snow, slippery ice, mud causing slippery footing, all of it makes it challenging for him to get around. We could plow and plow and get sand to cover ice, but frankly, we don't have the means, and really, is this what we would do all of next winter for him? Will he be comfortable going months with this type of management? I do not want to part with the horse. I cannot imagine my life without him. But I can't watch him struggle, or to see his eyes go from confident to......not..........and not do something to help alleviate his situation. That day, I hope and pray, will not come until we have seen a warm, grassy spring, summer and fall. I am hopeful and pray he will enjoy these final warmer seasons here with us and we fill up our souls before we say goodbye.

It appears we will be bringing a younger horse home this spring/summer. I have the opportunity to take on a seven year old mare who's personality sounds a bit like Tango's and who is, basically, riderless. My thoughts that having a younger, level headed horse here may take pressure off him to be the alpha still. If it is the "right" match, he will fall in love with her, and she him, and she will be his second in command, until he sees fit to give it over completely. In my heart, I feel this will be the first step in him leaving in his heart, and allowing himself to give into what he has been fighting to take him down.

And as for Oliver, once the call comes from the vet, we will evaluate the soil and grounds. It was not my choice to part with him on a dreary, winter day. A selfish thing probalby. I wanted a sunny day, to sit out in the grassy yard, let him enjoy some warmth and sunshine before he goes. But, I don't think, at this stage, he even knows the difference. The winter has kicked his, and all of our, asses this year. He obviously hates the snow and the ice and the slippery walkways we made for him. His world is mostly dark and silent, and the winter caused all the comfort he could feel beneath him to be covered over. Although I wanted to see that comfort in him once more, I'm not sure we ever will, even if it is a spring day. So, a conversation with the vet, a second look around our yard, and conferring with the calendar are what is next when it comes to our little Oliver.

I suppose the passing of time and having to deal with so much discomfort, on their parts, physically, and mine, emotionally, are making this all more rote than emotional. At times, at least. This year is going to be filled with goodbyes, and hellos. It does cause me to have many "What's it all about, Alfy" moments. Life and death. Its coming to all of us, two and four legged. Where doe we go? What really happens? What does it mean for our time on earth? If we had the answers, then life wouldn't be what it is. But, oh, how I'd love the answers on days like today.

Off to hug, lead, feed, clean and love my kids for another day.